Is a Girl leaving the controlling Parents who insists their views wrong?
A Girl follower (Name hidden) asked like this:
How to deal with narcissistic parents? My parents don’t listen anything and force their decisions on me. I had gone for counseling with parents, but that was of vain. My parents’ ego and grandiosity of themselves had destroyed my career already and now they forcefully want me to marry too. Everything they do is for society acceptance and what people will think comes on priority even at the cost of our internal feelings. I had some help regarding narcissistic people, in which it is advisable to stay away from them. But thing is they are my parents so will it wrong to leave them (but I’ll make sure to support them financially)? They treat us like objects who they can dominate, and eliminate my emotions whenever I try to express, to say they silence me when I try to convey my feelings. They are not understanding. For them, it is like, my way or the highway.
What to do? I mean will it be still wrong to maintain distance from them? Since I don’t feel safe with them, since they try to become barrier in whatever I do, and doesn’t let me fulfill my wishes too. Also, my parents also curse me when I go against their desires. My mother specially instills fear in me using God’s name itself so that I should follow her instructions every time. She is selfish too a bit, since she asks me to shut myself up so that in future if I get married so her life should be comfortable with no complaints of mine reaching her. For her external validation from society is more important than family’s feelings. Also, will in this case, a parent’s curse could harm us? Please advice, I’ve been desperately seeking for help.
REPLY:
I don’t find any serious issues in your parents’ case. The children leaving the controlling Parents who insists their views is not advisable unless there are threats to their dignity and safety.
You have said your side of the story. How you behave in the day to day life and also with others? Why should they react so? Is it with no reasons?
There are also some chances that you might not have created sufficient confidence in their minds about you.
(Should a girl go to the job or not to lead a peaceful and vedic way of life? READ HERE!)
Or, one or two of your nature may be their cause for concern that makes them to keep an eye on you.
These are just some possibilities. I don’t say that you will do them. As a counsellor, I have to think on both the sides.
That is why, in my horoscope prediction service, if anyone seeks advice about the issues between two persons, I get the birth details of both the persons and analyze both the horoscopes. If I judge based on his/ her horoscope alone, I may go wrong in judgement.
Let it be. I have darkened the points to be addressed, in your message above.
(1)
You use the term “Narcissistic behaviour” to describe the activities of your parents.
‘Narcissistic behaviour’ is a disorder that involves a pattern of self-centered, arrogant thinking and behavior, a lack of empathy and consideration for other people, and an excessive need for admiration.
You have given this much of ‘Sharp branding’ to your parents.
I ask you: Didn’t they safeguard your dignity as a girl? Did they force you to shamelessly mingle with any rich boy as a short route to become rich? Didn’t they give food, shelter, clothes, education, etc., to you till you went to the job and earned on your own?
No. They did everything.
(Wife Vs Parents- whom to choose when the wife does not tolerate the presence of your parents? READ HERE!)
Did they behave indecently in the society without culture causing embracement and bad image to you?
No.
They just advise you to marry a good boy. Did they force you to marry a particular boy of ill character for their own gains or force you to violate with him for their own gains?
No. They are decent.
Did your father and mother earn bad image in the society by involving in the affairs of others?
No.
Nothing. They do not have any of the above issues.
They just force you OUT OF LOVE AND CARE to follow a certain way of life that most of the traditional parents would like to insist on their children, particularly, girls.
Don’t they have right to say anything to safeguard you from the corrupted people everywhere?
They gave you everything. That is why, you are this much bold now.
Is it wrong for a parent to expect their children to be safe, secured and get married in a traditional family?
Do you wish that the parents should not say anything or should not regulate you?
Do you know about 67% of the girl children in India face violations from their known people and relatives?
Do you know every day hundreds of girls and boys lose their dignity and image because of violations?
In this situation, how can the action of a Girl leaving the controlling Parents be justified?
Many of today’s girls have a dangerous mentality.
They think that Feeding and giving shelter are the compulsory duties of the parents just because they enjoyed and gave birth to the children.
They expect that they should never be controlled or regulated. They should be allowed to decide on their own. Whoever she chooses as life partner, the parents should say OK and spend 10-20 lakhs to perform a grand marriage. The parents have no say in the life of their own children..
The choice of spouse is theirs, but if their choice go wrong, the parents should continue to give a safe shelter to them.
Nonsense. A selfish culture exists in the society.
No one likes to be under the control of anyone. Everyone likes to be independent.
The parents are like the servants of their children and victims now. They have to compromise with the choice of their children though it may be out of their emotional considerations.
(What if all the family members don’t trust you and your truthful words? READ HERE!)
Can’t you give the feeling of ‘satisfaction’ for the parents that their children give consideration for their experienced suggestions?
The base rule of the spirituality is that one should obey the instructions of the scriptures and elders and the way of life recommended by them. If a person is not willing to follow those rules, they are not eligible to be a spiritual sathaka. . A devotee should feel secured under the shelter of the God and his senior spiritual guide.
Similarly, this life is also an ‘ashram’ and a penance that means that you should sacrifice your comforts for the elders and feel safe under their shelter.
The elders too should not have selfish motive. They should decide anything for the welfare of the younger members of the family.
On this basis, the elders insist their choices upon you.
Among our followers, we have a girl who is serving her bed ridden mother sacrificing her own youthful priorities in her age of 26-27.
Another Senior male follower is taking care of his ailed mother even in his sixties.
There are some followers who are taking care of mentally retarded children.
I too sacrificed my personal life to take care of my aged mother.
Are they fools or less intelligent people?
No. They know their duties and priorities in their life.
Tell me, do your parents expect you to support them for their ill health?
No. They are independent to manage themselves.
(My parents behave indecently and my father misuse my mobile. What to do? READ HERE!)
They expect you not to return to the parents’ home telling some issues after marriage. Is this not the wish of all the parents? Which parent will expect his daughter to fail in her marriage and come back to them? No parent would like that even in the dreams.
What are you talking?
Why can’t you go with their genuine regulations? What prevents you? Is it wrong for them to keep you safe and to get you married earlier?
It seems that you expect them to be dumb and deaf just doing everything for you.
You have given them a name as Narcissistic personalities.
If a parent controls the children out of care, they are called as Narcissistic personalities.
You say that they do everything for the society’s acceptance.
Can we live without the support of this society? Do you know, we can’t get everything with money? Man is a social animal. He should fear for his image in the society. Otherwise, he will start to lead an uncontrolled life.
Most of the parents curse the children like “You can’t shine in life” when the children are extremely difficult to be corrected.
Will a little hen die when the mother hen sits on it?
The innocent curses given by the parents to the children and vice versa may not work. Why do you see them as curses? Treat them as extreme stage of advising you.
(How to correct both my parents who are violating in their married life? READ HERE!)
You also have taken them to the psychiatrist. I feel pity for them. You are their daughter. In an year or two, you are going to leave them after getting married. Then, they are not going to expect you though they become bed ridden. They know that it is not proper to expect a girl to help them beyond a limit after her marriage.
How can the children leaving the controlling Parents be justified?
My advice to you is:
Please try to understand their worries. They may be fearing seeing the trend of the girls and boys now a days who do whatever they want. They may be mentally agitated with this generation gap.
See them with mercy. Instead of going with your own choice, go with their choice. It may make you and them feel safe.
They may seem to behave excessively sometimes. Let them have some negatives. Nothing is lost. It is natural in any relation. Don’t expect them to be in your good book by supporting whatever you do. They are experienced in married life.
Think of sacrificing your ’emotional priorities’ considering the seniority and the experience of the parents. Feel happy by making them happy.
If you are leading a regulated life, why should you get this much agitated with their regulations? Isn’t it easy to follow for a genuine girl?
Therefore the children leaving the controlling Parents does not seem good. They will realize when they too become Parents.
Young blood does not know the ground reality.
Please give ears to the advice of the parents. Give that glory to them. They deserve it. Instead, leaving the controlling parents doesn’t seem to be fair.
(How to deal if you feel that your parents neglect or do not love you? READ HERE!)
