Wife Vs Parents- whom to choose when the wife does not tolerate the presence of your parents?
A male devotee (Name hidden) asked like this:
“we are living in ………….(Country name hidden) with my wife and kids, parents are 65 and living in India, I don’t want them to live alone but wife and her mother in law can never get along, I am stuck in Dharam sankat, don’t understand to favor wife or parents, I feel bad every single day leaving my parents alone in India, she doesn’t even let them come here, pls shed some knowledge to me on this. Pls don’t show my name”
In this matter, you should take decision based on the analysis of the ground reality.
There can be three cases:
Either your father or mother or both may be dominating character and does not give full rights to your wife in a fear that she may separate you from them.
In this case, you have to give counselling to your parents. In many cases, the parents, particularly, the mother develops envy or complex on her daughter in law thinking the she hass come to distance her from her son.
With this complex , she starts to criticize her daughter in law.
Unless the daughter in law gives sufficient importance for her mother in law, things will become worse and there will always be some kind of sharp exchanges of words in the family.
The husband will be unable to support either the mother or wife because if he supports one, the other gets irritated.
If this is the case, you can try to counsel your parents by calling a counsellor to your home or bringing your parents to him. Advise them properly so that they understand that no one can distance you from them and you will always justify the both.
The family counsellor will also advise your parents to understand the position of your wife and only she has to take care of your needs after your parents’ period.
In case all your efforts fail, arrange a good nurse in your home town to take care of your parents. No other way.
Your parents are calm and/or cordial natured without creating any problems, but your wife may be a dominating character and hence she may not allow your parents to come with you.
In this case, you should give the similar counselling to your wife and you should assure her that you will never do anything against her wish and it is your genuine duty to take care of the parents also.
Tell her that you feel guilt by leaving your parents alone in the home country and leading a comfortable life abroad and this prevents you from being natural with her.
Try your best to make her accept your genuine wish. If she does not agree, give her another proposal that you will arrange a home very next yours in your present living place and settle your parents there. Also assure her that you will not spend much time in the portion of your parents.
Make her accept it. Then, look for an apartment complex in which there are two neighbouring apartments vacant. Fix both the houses and arrange some basic furniture and kitchen materials there. You stay in your apartment and let your parents stay in the next apartment. Visit them daily atleast once and enquire their well being.
Thus, you will be able to keep them near to you and take care of their needs, without affecting the privacy of your wife also.
As a natural trend, Your wife is affectionate with her parents, but not with your parents showing partiality.
This is happening everywhere. Every wife treats her mother, father, brothers and sisters very closely because they are her relations from birth. The husband and in laws are adopted in her twenties only. Therefore, there can be natural affinity towards her parents.
To deal with this situation, your parents should be advised to treat your wife like their daughter and show abundant love on her. At the same time, they should not involve in commenting or giving suggestions in the matters related to your personal decisions.
If they maintain closeness like parents and distance in your personal matters, any wife will not dare to neglect them.
There can be no other alternative to Love in bringing the people closer. Love changes anyone without any harm.
Thus, this issue should be dealt properly considering where the problem exists.
In case, your parents are not problem makers, but, your wife is adamant in not accepting your parents, then, you should insist her about keeping your parents atleast in your next apartment. I feel that the seond suggestion of keeping your parents in your next apartment will be a good solution that will satisfy all atleast to some extent.
If your wife does not accept even for this suggestion, nothing wrong in sending her to her parents. No karma for you. Or, this karma of seding the adamant wife to her parents is better than the karma acquired by allowing your innocent parents to suffer.
Consider all these suggestions. One may work out. All the best.