Should a wife not divorce even a drinking, smoking and abusing husband?

Should a wife not divorce even a drinking, smoking and abusing husband?

A woman devotee (Name hidden) asked like this:

“I was a religious person since childhood but became a devotee of Krishna 8 months ago. First a match was fixed, but that got cancelled. I had to wait for more than a year to get a suitable match and its been 2 years now. But my husband and in-laws are money minded. After few months of marriage they started asking for gifts to my parents, when they refused my husband beat me. Then my husband sent me to foreign for higher studies and I had to stay alone for sometime after which he came. In foreign also, he beat me many times. He has drinking and smoking habits and never respects me and my family. He is never frank to me and always hides stuff from me. He thinks serving husband is the only aim of a wife. He doesn’t allow me to read Bhagavad Gita saying that this is not the correct age to study it. Recently he drank and tried to force himself upon me. I had to take help of cops.  After this, he left the house and now neither he nor his family is in contact from few months. Did I do anything wrong? I don’t want to get separated but he is not interested anymore because from starting only he didn’t like to take any responsibility and wanted me to earn for him and his family. What should I do as in Vedic culture there is nothing like the concept of divorce has strongly printed on my mind. I had to face financial and other problems because I am just a student and no means to support nor any friend/relative to help me in this foreign land. I don’t want to go back to my parents and trouble them. His parents in India still think it is all my fault and criticize me in front of the relatives. Please guide me. Thank you. Hari bol!”

REPLY:

The wives having the problems like you can divorce the husband.

Actually, this advice of our scriptures have been greatly misunderstood by the present people of modern life style.

Why divorce is discouraged for many cases?

Because, 90-95% of the problems are solvable in life with some small adjustments.

Scriptures permit the wife to divorce (desert) her husband in the following two cases:

(1) If the husband goes away from his wife against her requests for atleast one year with another woman or alone.  This shows his irresponsibility of not protecting his committed wife.  Hence she can divorce him.

(2) If the husband abuses his wife asking for more properties.  This is the violation of his assurance that he will protect his wife respecting her like respecting Lakshmi devi for the house.  A wife need not live with a man who is a threat for her dignity.

In your case, both the cases exist, if you have written the situation correctly.

Therefore, you can divorce him.

Also read: What karma gave me a wife who had sexual relations with lover before our marriage?

Why the women are not recommended to divorce her husband for other reasons?

Because, if the divorce is liberalized, every woman has to divorce her husband because every man has any one of the defects.

Some men may smoke or drink, but, fulfil or atleast try to fulfil his family responsibilities.  Therefore, just because he is drinking, he need not be divorced.  Only if he abuses the wife and demands properties, he should be divorced.  Hence such restrictions.

Some men may commit some sexual violations outside the marriage and then get reformed, but, fulfil or atleast try to fulfil his family responsibilities.  Therefore, just because he had some extra marital affairs in the past, he need not be divorced.  Only if he continues to have extramarital affairs even after many advices and warnings,  and also abuses the wife demanding the properties, he should be divorced.  Hence such restrictions.

Also read: What are the duties of husband in a marriage life?

Some men may not go to any jobs, but, the wife will be working and managing the family.  If that husband is taken to counsellings and arranged a job, he can be made to go to a job.  Therefore, divorcing the husband for such reasons will be very extreme step.

Now a days, most of the divorces are for silly reasons like ego, wife earning more than the husband, wife having phone contacts with friends, etc.

Had they postponed their decisions for a few days, they will never divorce.

That is why, the Manu Samhita recommends separation in such two extreme cases mentioned above.

When two persons from different backgrounds marry and start their married life, there will be definitely some problems, but, it is unavoidable in any marriage life.

Also read: IS THE MARRIAGE BETWEEN A VEGETARIAN AND NON VEGETARIAN ADVISABLE OR NOT?

No couple will have all their qualities similar. Atleast one or two small differences will be there.  Therefore, if everyone expects similar quality from his/ her spouse,  no marrriages can succeed.

To make the marriage life successful, either the husband should adjust with his wife or the vice versa.

Otherwise, two persons can not live together for decades within four walls.

Therefore, divorce should be the last option for the husband or wife.  90% of the problems can be solved if anyone adjusts for the other.

Out of the other 10% of the problems,  the divorce can be considered ONLY AFTER all the efforts of yourself and the parents/ relatives to solve the problem fails.  Thus, You may be able to correct the problems in 80% of the remaining 10%.  Therefore, just 2% of marriages may end in divorce.

Also read: Why many boys and girls hate marriage now a days? How to guide them?

But, now a days, many boys and girls are not ready for adjustments.  Since the marriages are fixed based on sex, earning and the status, any small disappointment in these three factors take the couples towards the divorce even within 2-3 months of marriage.

This is neither advisable nor healthy for a society.

Thus, Divorce can be allowed, but it should be the last option after all the efforts to correct it fail.

In your case, since he has all the above mentioned reasons and if he is not accessible, you can divorce him.

If you are less than 35 years of age, you can also remarry ONLY IF you have body disturbances.  Otherwise, if you can remain disciplined even without physical relations, lead a devotional way of life.

All the best.

Also read:  Wife Vs Parents- whom to choose when the wife does not tolerate the presence of your parents?

Author: RAJAN

Having a long observation and association with all sections of people for decades, Rajan is promoting online media in different platforms including this blog website to guide lakhs of regular followers to prevent and solve their problems. He gives complete Counsellings and Tips on Medical, Health, Psychological, Women safety, Child safety, Issues in Family Relations, Love, Marriage, Personal life, etc.! His services have helped thousands of people to come out of negative thoughts and to change their way of approaching the problems in their life and hence he is considered as their trusted FRIEND to share the problems and get them counselled. He is also well known to follow strict confidentiality in his counselling services.

4 thoughts on “Should a wife not divorce even a drinking, smoking and abusing husband?”

  1. Hare krishna
    I have many things to ask and clear.
    I got married just last year. We were engaged in 2014 and marriage got cancelled just days b4 marriage.His dad send email asking to follow his customs n traditions for marriage like a business email.even he dint support me on it and i had to reply stating i dont need such a demanding family. They all abused me and he dint support me at all. Later me and my family went his home to ask sorry for my faults and not to cancel marriage.his entire family abused us and my 77yr old dad was cursed by his 50yr old mother. My dad asked if he s ready to marry me.. he said NO.I cudnt bear it and threw away the engagement ring on his face and came back.
    After we left he called my dad and asked to postpone marriage with no reasons. We dint agree cz he was nt courageous to speak in frnt of his parents.I resigned and came bangalore and searched for a job. He made me took 4.5lakhs loan i was struggling to pay the emi for it.
    In between my dad was during his last stages of life ..again i begged to all at his home for marriage even to him.no body cared for me. After my dad passed away he came and told he will marry me n jan 2015. We agreed for his words.but he again cheated and told to postpone a year more. I finally stopped all contacts with him.

    2017 he got onsite opportunity and emailed me .. i replied calm. He asked for register marriage again. I told NO. He s always afraid of his family moreover he dint want me..i was nit ready to suffer the abuse after reg.marrying him.
    He then told his parents convincing them that he will buy house and other assets after going onsite and he will take me also so they dnt have to see me.
    Again his customs was imposed and we just sat mum cz he told he will take all part of expenses. I just took 2lakh loan for which he told he wil pay emi. I was feeling he became genuine atleast now.
    On marriage day they made problem without giving me my wedding saree n blowse and was insisting me to wear their traditional saree n last moment. I was particular i wnt do it .but to avoid any problem i secretly arranged for 1. They gave me back my wedding saree and hurryburry they did wedding customs dint even allow me to makeup. They r kannada brahmins by caste and we were in hotel for fiest day of wedding. We were asked to.come his home at 8am for sme customs.were so tired and slept off and reached only at 11am.
    His mom was sitting in anger and dint even call me my mom n.my brother inside house. But my mom just smiled n went inside.his moms sisters and mom started crying and abusing him n both sides. Finally they made us sit for food and every1 was sitting around. His mom throw the sambar to his plate like feeding a dog.. i saw the tears n his eyes.. i cudnt tell anything cz its him who shuld have responded. I finally cried and got up after eating. We just came out of house silently.his mom turned against me for not keeping kumkuma while leaving home.i kept quiet.

    We both came ghana . Here i am vegetarian and he s non vegetarian. He doesnt like me chanting and worshipping.but he s shiva devotee.
    For my bdy we and a family went restaurant. They had nonveg and me n husb was eating veg a small girl of our friend who were with us gave piece of chapati dipped in mutton stock and tried to fed him. I told its mutton pl dnt have.He abused me infrnt of all and had it.
    His parents need money..money money and he raises their hopes telling this n that when they calls. We just went to india and came back last week. I have a job in ghana and we have agreed he will nt share with his parents cz they will demand my salary like last time for which i had to fight with them. 2 days b4 i was causally msging his father and he suddenly asked how s my job going. I ws shocked to know that he told them all. I immediately called him and asked if he told them abt my job. First he said No and then when i asked again he said he told them that am abt to get a job.. he told just to give hopes to them. This was his reply. I was serously frustrated.
    He s eqrning quite well and i told him we will cut expenses and put an RD and will buy home end of the year and this also we agreed we wnt share with his family. He s paying 30k every month to home only for expenses and his dad n brother is earning too.how much ever yu send they r again cming and asking.for more for other expenses. Being a wife he was just looking my normal expenses n ghana.. never he have discussed anything with me abt plans he will do for ourselfs.. nothin. His priority is always his money minded family. He s telling me now to pay the emis and cant pay frm his pocket. He s wrking as finance manager n a gud co. If he wanted he cud have helped me to get a job but he dint do. I searched on my own and am earning a small money for my savings and expenses.
    He s never treating me as his wife nor paying any interest for my needs and feelings. Many time i thought for divorce but its only me and my family who will suffer n pain. He will not change cz uts fem his blood. I am thinking to go back to india and stay with my.mom n brother.. but how long.. am feeling so loney and chanting and worshipping krishna is my only means.. am crying inside foe again trusting him..pls advise me what i shuld do

    In tears…
    Divya

    1. Please don’t ask personal questions in comments. There is a feedback page for that. Or, you may ask in our site’s facebook page’s message facility. However, I will read it and reply if it is answerable in the site. Hereafter don’t ask counselling questions in comments. This comment form is only for views about the post/ site and to ask the questions having very short answers.

      I took more than 15 minutes to read and understand your question. The situation shows that you have thought that he is the only person in this world to marry and have married him though you faced many insults before marriage. You should have been firm in not marrying him. Now, if you feel insecure with him, please part him and start a new lease of life going to a good job in India. If there are no security issues with him and you can bear his insults, continue to live with him. All the best.

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