Can one maintain good contacts with ex-lover who married another person?
Actual Questions from two girl devotees:
(1) Please don’t disclose my name. I am a researcher in ……………. I loved a guy, we were in relation for 2 years. Though I loved him sincerely, he didn’t take the effort of convincing his family for our marriage. I tried my level best to instill courage and faith in him for marriage but it was of no use. He hurt me a lot and behaved in a very rude way to avoid me such that he need not convince his family. My love is sincere and I prayed to Lord Krishna also sincerely to unite us. Finally, he did not reveal to me that he was getting engaged to another girl but I got to know through others and he married another girl. I cried like anything, but am a strong girl and thought may be we are not meant for each other to marry. Whatever happens, happens for our own good by Lord Krishna. This happened 5 years back. I came out of it quickly and moved on. I am very successful in studies and career by Lord Krishna’s grace. I blocked him on FB for 5 years. Recently, last month I thought, whether a person is good or bad, we should forgive them for their past misdeeds and unblocked him on facebook. Now, my parents are planning to get me married. There is something that is killing me inside. My heart is clear, I don’t have any feelings for him, but my heart expects that he realizes and says atleast an apology or sorry for behaving rudely with me and hurting me. I don’t want to carry his guilt with me. From past one month from the time I unblocked him, all these things are going on in my mind. Did I commit any mistake, what guilt do I have that a person is not even apologizing with me? Please reply me how to come out of this. My mind is being engaged in this nowadays. I know I have a bright future due to the hard work I put in, but am losing focus on my work. I am recollecting him and the way he behaved with me. I seriously want to come out of this with your help. Thank you!
(2) I have a question. I used to be in a relationship with someone for 9 months, and he abused me mentally. Now he feels sorry and asks for forgiveness. Should I still continue to hate him or finally forgive him? I’m still hurt. I am over him, but whenever someone mentions his name…I get mad.”
REPLY:
MY STRONG OPINION IS:
PLEASE CUT ALL THE CONTACTS WITH A GUY OR GIRL WHO BETRAYED YOU IN LOVE.
Because, that relation will always stand as a disturbing factor when you start a new life with some other person.
Also read this Post on DEALING WITH SINGLE SIDED LOVE FAILURES
Some decisions may seem very interesting to speak or read in media.
But, practically, it may end up as a factor for the break-up of your married life with a new person.
Once a relation breaks in betrayal, there are two options available for the betrayed person:
(1) Continue the contacts with that person. This is destructive. In case you are maintaining contacts with him and you get married to someone else, that contact may continue. In case any strain comes again between you and that person, he may decide to spoil your married life and hence he may corrupt the mind of your husband/ wife. This can break-up your marriage itself. Thus, you are spoiling your life by continuing contacts with the betrayed guy/ girl.
Eventhough you and that betrayer are maintaining normal relations, even those contacts may create suspicion in the mind of the new husband/ wife.
The another negative effect of keeping the contacts live is that you can’t forget the past relations at all even after you start your life with another person.
(2) Second and right option is: Stop all the contacts with the betrayer or ex-lover. But, part gently without hurting him/ her. If you hurt him/ her, he/ she may keep vengeance and hence may act against you in future. Therefore, gentle parting will help you to forget the past relations in due course of time and also to start a new life with another person. When you marry another guy/ girl, there should not be the domination of thoughts of a third person, that will affect your married relations.
Among two of you (the questioners), one is waiting for the excuse form her ex-lover; Another one is already facing the excuse form ex-lover.
In both the cases, my advice is: Just say “Please let us part gently and thank you”. Then, block him in social media. Stop chatting with boys and accepting new friend requests from boys for atleast for an year or two because that guy may try to come in to your friends circle in a new name.
Though he feels sorry now, you will have to be very careful with him hereafter. We can’t straighten the tail of a dog. The character by birth will not be corrected easily.
He might have realized. Or, he may pretend to get your friendship again. If he is short tempered or ill minded, he may abuse you again in future.
Don’t speak the dialogues like I GET MAD, I AM OVER HIM, etc. This shows that you are very emotional.
These are all showing your weakness. A girl should be very strong in facing other people. Otherwise, they will be exploited. You are going to entrust yourself to a boy. So, you have to evaluate him well. If you find any remarkable negative character, it is better to avoid him well before marriage.
If you note the world, ONLY EMOTIONAL PEOPLE ARE CHEATED BY OTHERS. INTELLIGENT PEOPLE SAFEGUARD THEMSELVES.
So Be intelligent; Never get exploited by boys; Such boys choose such emotional girls only (and vice versa for boys).
Also read this to know what to do if a boy loves herself and another girl also.
Lord has given intelligence for us. We have to safeguard ourselves using that.
Gently cut their contacts in all media and delete his phone numbers from your list.
Divert your attention in some productive activities all the time. Time is the best healer. It will heal your heart in months and then marry a new guy arranged by your parents. Then, be loyal to your husband and lead a decent life.
After marriage, reduce contacts with males in social media and even in person. This will help you concentrate fully in your married life and your future generations.
All the best.
Also read this to know how to deal with the past lover who married another person