In-laws interfering & Spoiling the marital life – Solutions!
A woman devotee (Name hidden) asked like this:
“Hare Krishna my husband is a devotee and my in-laws are initiated devotees but I have gone through hell in 6 months of my marriage. My in laws always made my husband and me fight. They never let us go anywhere out even for one hour to spend time with each other. They spend all their son’s income on themselves but I am expecting a child and even if I visit the doctor for routine check ups they crib and my husband shouts at me. Now they have sent me to my mother’s place 6 months before delivery and after I came here my father in law rang me up and both son and father shouted at me. Now the son also doesn’t talk to me. No counsellors are able to help because he listens only to his parents and they only try to raise a fight between us. I have tried my best to serve them and please them after marriage but all in vain. Please help
I had been practising for 6 years before marriage and wanted to get married to a devotee but this is where fate has brought me. My parents and I are in terrible state. Trying to talk to them is all in vain. My chanting is suffering badly. People say I must report this to ………………….. prabhu but if my husband doesn’t understand I don’t know how to find a way. Please reply
Please keep my name hidden
REPLY:
This is not good on the part of your in-laws to interfere in the life of their son.
After marriage, they should be just advisors that too ONLY IF ASKED. When a son gets married, he should be allowed to manage the affairs of family along with his wife. The power and responsibilities should be transferred to the next generation in right time. If the elders are involving in all the affairs of a family even after their children get married, these kinds of problems will occur. In-laws interfering & Spoiling the marital life of a young family member is an unhealthy mindset.
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As I have written somewhere else in another counselling, the parents feel as if their daughter in law has come and separated their son from him. Then, why should a boy marry? Why should a girl desert her family and join their son’s family? To live alone in their family?
This is nonsense. The wife of their son comes here to form a lively family. This is a beautiful event. A new girl enters the family and reduce the burdens of the parents. When a daughter in law comes in to the family, that family becomes beautiful. Then, grandchildren come. It makes the family more beautiful.
The Indian family system is wonderful. Only because some adamant persons spoil this system, such issues arise.
If the parents do not interfere in the personal affairs and plans of their son’s family, and if the daughter in law too treats her parents in laws like her own parents, then, a wonderful family is created. Many are spoiling this beautiful set up because of their ego and these In-laws interfering & Spoiling the marital life continue in many families.
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In your case, if I consider that there are no mistakes on your part, I can tell that the in laws are crossing their limits. They need proper counselling first. Since your parents are also in a helpless position, you need to involve others. Think whether there are any senior relative of your husband who has good heart. Go, meet them and tell all the happenings and ask them to advise your in-laws. He must be an influential person in your husband’s family.
If this does not work out, you develop a detached mindset. Just be in that family and take care of your child. Let them do whatever they want. You do not involve in that. Do not tell anything about any of their decisions.
Silence solves most of the issues. Be with your husband whenever he likes, not otherwise. When a child comes into that family, their attention may be diverted to that child partly.
Silently perform devotional practices and the duties of the family. Do not allow the Krishna conscious sadhanas affect your duties to the family.
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Since this is not a torture case, but, just a possessive attitude, I hope that the above tips will work out. If you expect so much from your husband, you will get disappointment. You are married and are living in a family. Since you are a devotee of Krishna, you should not expect only happiness. You should live for Krishna. Thus, whatever the situation be, live for Krishna.
Just keep on following devotional way of life as much as possible, with a detached mindset. This will liberate you from this miserable material world with this birth.
Your detached mindset and performing the duties perfectly will slowly make changes in their mind. Your silence will touch their heart. Silence is more powerful than 1000 words.
If it is a case of torture, I would have advised separation. But, this possessiveness case will become alright when they advance in their age and when their grandchild grows.
So, live a devotional life and do all the duties for you and them silently. In due course of time, things will be alright.
Hope this helps you to deal with the issue of the In-laws interfering & Spoiling the marital life!
(What if the husband doubts wife for talking to others more? READ HERE!)