SHOULD A GIRL TELL HER PAST MISTAKES TO HUSBAND?
A wife asked: I am not a devotee but definitely I want to become one in the future. I got married to the person of my choice. I actually came to know about devotional way of life through my husband only. During courtship period I hide about my past relationships to him as I was afraid that he might leave me. Though one day i told him and things got ugly. He broke with me. But after 2 months he accepted me and later we even got married. But he doesn’t love me anymore. We have no relation like a husband and wife. He has read Bhagavad Gita and currently reading 10th canto of Bhagvatham. I have asked for his forgiveness so many times. But he doesn’t care neither he listens to me. Sometimes I just want to die. I can’t share it with anyone as I have literally fight for him in my house. I have loved him with all my heart with a hope of getting his love back. I know may be you won’t entertain my question. but I have no one to talk. Sometimes I feel though my intention was not wrong still why God is Making me suffer. The more I do for him the more he hates me.
The long term followers of my writings know well that I have not supported telling about our past mistakes with the husband. They may think it unethical to hide from the husband, but, practically, it does not do good for wife.
However, we can deal with this in an another ethical way.
Not everyone commits offenses willingly. Some offenses are done by some persons out of sense disturbances and they regret for that act after committing the offenses.
No one in this world is immune to committing offenses. As per the scriptures, every jiva (soul) has the tendency to commit sins. No doubt in that. I too have done in the past some kind offenses and all of you would have done so.
However, what I have been and am doing is, I am evaluating my life every day and consider what offenses I have made that day. Then, I take a resolution not to commit such offenses in future. Some times I fail in that. But, again I try to avoid them. Finally, I get success. I always try to make failures as motivating factors for my further attempts.
Why, I have written these details? To show that I too am learning lessons every day and getting matured in my approach.
Ok, now, about maturity in your case. I can daringly say that about 95% of the husbands in India can not bear hearing about the past mistakes of their wives. This is the bitter fact. The proportions may be different in certain societies that are very liberal in life style.
The girls like to be straightforward by telling the past mistakes with the husband. This causes problems in most of the lives of couples.
Therefore, my daring advice is this:
(1) If you are ready and matured to face issues or even separation in life, tell about the past life to husband or future husband.
(2) If you are not ready and matured to face issues or separation in life, avoid telling the past life to husband or future husband.
Then, how to feel comfortable with the husband?
This is where, I have this advice:
Go to the temple, cry in front of Lord and resolve to Him like, “Oh, Lord, I have committed some offenses in my past. You have given me a good husband to me. I will never commit such offenses or sins in future though the situation forces me to commit them and I will remain as a 100% loyal wife to my husband. Please forgive all my past offenses and sins.”
Now, start your new life with your husband. Be very loyal to him. Perform all the recommended devotional practices along with the husband. At the same time, fulfill all the needs of husband with love. Help him and yourself to grow in devotion.
Thus, take a new birth after marriage and be careful in offending and sinning in this new life.
There is no other practical way to deal with this matter. Instead of making things problematic, take a new birth full of devotion and no sins.
Strictly follow the disciplined life after marriage. Thus, make your future life meaningful.
Allow time for your husband to digest things and forget them. Your serious involvement in devotion along with him will definitely make the things normal. Start doing that.
All the best.
Once you resolve to stop further sinning, you start to get suspension from Karmic reactions for all your past offenses. If you are 100% sincere in this, with the strength of your serious devotion, you can get 100% relief from all the past offenses. This is my recommendation for all of you.
Best wishes for all.
Another query was raised later after reading this post. Read that also:
If the girls hide the past mistakes from husband and if someone tells the same to her husband, how to deal with that? Is it better to reveal in advance?
A girl devotee (Name hidden) asked like this:
“Today itself i have seen your counselling about not to reveal our past mistakes to future husband. If things go well and good it is ok. But what if the husband gets the knowledge from other resources?
Say by relatives, friends or some other people? Won’t he feel as if he is cheated?
This is the case of mine. I have loved some guy, but due to some situations, and disagreement of both families he said he can’t marry me. I cried within myself and by thinking it’s my karma, i remained silent. But my family members are forcing me to do marriage. If I hide this secret, i feel like deceiving him. Even if I hide there are many people to talk ill about me. What should I do?
I am a follower of Iskcon and following 4 regulative principles, i chant 19 rounds a day. I am following your page from many years. So kindly give me your valuable suggestion and please hide my name. Thank you.
MY REPLY FOR THIS:
That advice was given in my earlier counselling because of the following reasons:
(i) The girl is very much interested in marriage life though she had committed violations before marriage.
(ii) The girl was secretly doing it. None of her friends or relatives know that.
In such circumstances, there is no other advice that can be given by anyone. That is why, I advised her not to reveal the past life to the husband and lead a very dignified life hereafter and be genuine to her husband. I had also advised her to beg for pardon from her past offences from God in a temple.
I like to state one thing: I did not advice so with a total satisfaction because, I am very much pained with the changing trends in the interactions of males and females. Now a days, a section of girls and boys interact freely and do anything and then part and marry different persons. If a genuine boy or girl marries such offended persons, he/ she becomes a fool. He/ she being a pure boy or girl, has to accept and live with a girl/ boy who has committed violations.
This is purely an injustice for that sincere and pure boy or girl.
However, there is a factor of Karma. Though that boy or girl may be pure in this birth, he/ she might have done offenses with others in his/ her previous birth (s). Therefore, he/ she needs to live with a girl/ boy who already had committed mistakes.
Thus, that good boy/ girl will be clearing their past karma of having affcted many persons.
This is how we need to take these things. When a girl hides her past life to her husband, that husband is clearing his past karma as mentioned above. At the same time, that girl may be adding new karma of having involved in offenses in the past.
Even here, when that girl cries to Krishna from her heart, she can get temporary immunity till she remains a loyal wife to her husband. In case she shows ego and cheats her husband again, then, Krishna will withdraw that temporary immunity and hence she may face partition from her husband.
Therefore, though you hide the past things, if you do not remain a sincere and loyal wife to your husband, Krishna’s protection will not be there. Karma network, ie, Krishna never gives permanent immunity from karma. That immunity is conditional. Only until you remain loyal to the new husband, you can expect that immunity.
However, all my above advice and my earlier counselling you mentioned are based on the fact that her past activities were known only to her and her lover. In case, her activities were public and known to all (or) in case she had been caught red handed and caught by the police or any other authorities, (or) if she is a habitual offender, then, IT IS BETTER FOR HER TO INFORM HER PAST OFFENSES TO HER “WOULD BE” BOY. IF HE BEARS THAT, SHE MAY MARRY.
OR, SHE MAY MARRY A BOY FROM LONG DISTANCE AND REMAIN VERY LOYAL TO HIM.
OR, IF SHE DOES NOT GET A SUITABLE GUY, SHE MAY REMAIN AS BRAHMACHARINI (Bachelor) FOR EVER, SHE MAY PREFER TO DEDICATE HER LIFE FOR KRISHNA.
Therefore, it is to be noted that past life can be hidden only if it was the secret. If it is the publicly known matter, she has to follow any of the above things.
But, SHE MUST CRY TO Krishna and REMAIN 100% SINCERE TO HER NEW HUSBAND. It is better to marry and live far away from the home town.
If a girl or boy avoids violations with boys or girls, they can always remain bold and peaceful.
I have been advising in these matters only because it gives an opportunity for that girl to reform herself and for that new husband to clear his karma.
But, if I speak from my heart, I feel very sorry about some girls being fools in front of boys and allowing themselves for violations before marriage without knowing the value of being principled person.
That is why, I always support early marriage for boys and girls as encouraged by scriptures.
All the best.