How can a married daughter manage her adamant mother?
A Girl devotee (Name hidden) asked like this:
“Hare krsna, prabhu…need help. My father is dead for 2 years. Now i am with my mother in my father’s house. My mother is totally deaf for 6 years. Only communication through writing. My husband job site is far away from my place..he lived there and comes fortnightly. I have a 2 yrs baby. From very first my mother didn’t like my husband. I wanted to shift in my husband’s place with my mother. But my mother doesnn’t want to go there. She wants to stay in her place. In my husband’s place it placed slightly in rural area and Muslims are majority plus no temple is there. I am married for 6 yrs and remains most of the time with my parents. I have one brother but he never take care of my mother and lived outside Bangladesh. So i am the one now. My husband wants to take me, my baby, my mother with him. For my mother i am not able to go there. It is difficult for me to take care of my baby alone as my mother is aged and sick. My mother sometimes says harsh words to my husband and say some inappropriate word which is not supposed to tell to a son in law.As a result my husband is being upset and quarrels with me. Now what should i do now? Remains with my mother or go to my husbands place without her. My husband also said that after marriage It’s my duty to take care of my husband, my in law house. As i am with my mother, and don’t with them or take care of them, i am doing sin….i hope you give me good siggestion.”
REPLY:
This is really a typical situation for a girl who is under compulsion to take care of her mother or father after marriage also.
In such situations, we have to follow detached approach.
You are ready to take your mother with you to stay in husband’s house.
But she refuses.
(How women can earn in spite of the discouraging parents? READ HERE!)
If your husband has any issues that prevents her from coming with you, it is understandable.
But, from your question, I understand that your husband is ok but your mother does not like him.
There is a meaning if she hesitates because a mother in law in India may hesitate to stay with her son in law as a mark of respect.
But your mother does not like him.
So, she does not like to come.
Here, your mother herself will be the cause if she happens to stay alone.
Here, you are innocent. You truly wish to take her with you to husband’s husband. She refuses. So, you too are unable to live with your husband.
Because of an adamant mother, you are unable to be with your husband.
It is not good. It may lead to the dilution in the relations between you and husband later.
So, you need to do something in a balanced way.
(How to deal if you feel that your parents neglect or do not love you? READ HERE!)
The girls too have the obligation to protect her parents if there is no other alternative. Of course it may be difficult as she goes to her husband’s place after marriage. But, if there is no responsible brother, there will be no other way. Her husband should permit his wife to accommodate or take care of her parents.
Let me give three suggestions. Try to follow the best and possible one for you:
(1) First merciless choice is (Can be avoided if there are good alternatives):
Husband is the priority for every woman. Go with your husband to his place and tell your mother that she can come to your house at any time and you will accept her and will keep her with you.
(2) Advise your non cooperating brother to keep mother with him. If he refuses, tell some influential relatives to pressurize him. Leave your mother with him. If he refuses, you can file a case in the court to make him take care oif mother. He will have fear for the Law.
(3) The best solution will be to rent a house very close to your husband’s house and settle your mother in that house. Let her stay in that small house alone. You can visit your mother daily and supply her food, mnilk, food, etc.
(4) Or, if your house is big and it can be separated as two partitions, settle your mother in a small portion and you live with husband in another portion. If there is a first floor, you can settle her there.
Wife Vs Parents – What if wife is against husband’s parents? READ HERE!
(5) If she does not agree to all the above options, admit her in a good/ decent Old age home and visit her regularly and support her.
(6) If she refuses even to go to the Old age home, just leave her at her house and you go with your husband and engage a good maid to take care of mother with food and cleaning the house. If it is not possible, arrange for the supply of food three times daily thru food delivery apps.
What else a girl can do after marriage?
That’s all you can do.
Consider any one option and implement it.
Don’t feel guilty for any defficulties for your mother. If she is adamant, she has to face the difficulties.
If she considers her son in law as her son, let her come with you or accept any one of the other options. If not, let her face the difficulties.
No other way.
Hope you are clear.
(HOW TO DEAL WITH THE POSSESSIVENESS OF MOTHER-IN-LAW ON YOUR HUSBAND? READ HERE!)